Why We Shouldn't Focus on an End Date
Life is beautiful, and messy. We can’t experience joy without also experiencing suffering.
Suffering is defined as “the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship”. There is a laundry list of life experiences that fall under this umbrella - which can range from physical pain to mental stress. No one has a monopoly on suffering, and at the same time none of us are exempt.
The last 7+ months have been a whirlwind. The Coronavirus pandemic, racial injustice, civil unrest, and the 2020 presidential election on top of it all…
Our country is suffering and so are the people who call this place home.
In the midst of suffering, adversity, grief (pick your word), it’s tempting to set our hearts and minds on an “end date”...
… by November 3rd, our country can take a collective exhale.
… by Thanksgiving, we’ll understand what the next 4 years might look like.
… By 2021 we’ll have a vaccine for the Coronavirus.
While these might not be the dates and scenarios swirling around in your mind, the point is you’re likely looking ahead toward something… some kind of relief.
Studies show that this kind of thinking isn’t helpful, in fact it’s harmful. The best thing we can do is live one day at a time and hope for the future - without specific dates in mind.
Viktor Frankl, an expert in neurology and psychiatry, talks about this idea in his memoir “Man’s Search for Meaning”. In the book, Frankl describes his experience in Nazi death camps, and shares his lessons on spiritual survival.
“The death rate in the week between Christmas 1944, and New Year’s 1945, increased in camp beyond all previous experience… the explanation for this increase did not lie in the harder working conditions or the deterioration of our food supplies or a change of weather or new epidemics. It was simply that the majority of prisoners had lived in the naive hope that they would be home again by Christmas. As the time drew near and there was no encouraging news, the prisoners lost courage and disappointment overcame them. This had a dangerous influence on their powers of resistance and a great number of them died.”
Please know, I’m not comparing the Coronavirus or our current political climate to life in a death camp. That’s not my intent. However, the lessons Frankl learned in camp are applicable to all of life, no matter the circumstances surrounding one's suffering. This is the theme of his book.
Frankl says that everything can be taken from a person but one thing, the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. He goes on to call this “spiritual freedom” - which makes life meaningful and purposeful. He says:
“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete”.
If suffering is a guarantee, how do we get through it? According to Frankl, “suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.”
This is no small thing. How we go about finding meaning in our suffering is different for everyone. There’s no formula, manual, or one-size-fits-all approach. Time, perspective, and professional help may be factors in the process.
One way to process our suffering is by journaling through it. Studies show the practice of journaling can have a significant positive impact on our mental and physical health.
In the book “The Holy Longing”, author Ronald Rolheiser talks about “the Paschal mystery” as a process of transformation and letting go. This 5 part process begins with suffering and ends with a new way of life.
Wherever you find yourself reading this, whatever hard thing you’re going through right now, journaling through these 5 phases can be good for your mind, body, and soul.
Name your deaths.
Where am I experiencing loss and suffering?
Claim your births.
What new things are stirring up?
Grieve what you have lost and adjust to the new reality.
How can I make peace with change?
Do not cling to the old, let it ascend and give you its blessing.
How might I let go and sit with open hands?
Accept the spirit of the life you are in fact living.
What can I do to practice being more present?
This is not a cycle we go through once. We may ebb and flow through these multiple times for a single life event. You may even find this order doesn’t fit for your situation. Again, there is no formula. Ultimately, I hope these prompts can serve as a guide to help you find meaning in the suffering and move toward accepting where you are - rather than focusing on an “end date”.